This dream never dies...it just slips in and out of a coma

Been a REALLY long time since I've had anything to say here. Then again, I've never been good with keeping up on blogs. I can't help but feel that my diatribes on how much I want to go to Japan are of no use to anyone, save for those who love sob stories about people dreaming beyond their means. ;-)

I continue to hold onto the hope and dream that I will make it to Japan. I refuse to see it as completely impossible. Someday, somehow, the opportunity will present itself, and nothing will stand in my way. I don't care what I have to do (within reason); I will make this happen for me.

Is it a stupid dream?

Sometimes I wonder if fate is consipiring against me to ensure my dream of visiting Japan never happens.

I've been trying to find ways to make my dream come true in the most inexpensive ways possible. I've looked into special package deals and I've even checked out language study in Tokyo (which is offered by an organization out of Milwaukee). I have yet to find anything that's monetarily feasible. The package deals are fine, but they have limitations that don't work for us, such as having to travel within a certain time period and flying in a certain class. Let me clarify on the latter: if we're going to spend 19 hours on an airplane, we are going to fly either business-class or first-class. That's a big part of the cost, I understand, but there's no way I'm spending 19 hours in Coach squeezed into the middle of an aisle while blood clots slowly form in my legs due to inability to move freely around the cabin. Two, three, even four hours? Yeah, I can handle Coach for that. 19? Nope, don't think so. I'd rather fork over the extra bit of cash to fly in comfort for such a special occasion.

The language study is a great opportunity, but flight and lodging aren't included in the cost. The class is a 4-week course, which I don't have enough vacation time for, and it costs $973, not including various fees. Then, add in the flight and lodging costs, and I'm right back where I started. And where would I stay? In someone's house? How awkward is that? I'm shy around people I don't know to begin with, but throw in a language barrier, and I might as well be an alien landing in the middle of a military installation...that's how out-of-place I'll feel.

I hate this frame of mind; I really do. It's despair, despondence, hopelessness. There's more than a little impatience in there, too, but I don't think I should be faulted for that. How long should I have to wait to make a dream come true? A year? Five years? Ten? Life is unpredictable; I know I'm going to hate myself if I say "I'll wait five years", and then sometime during that span, something catastrophic happens that could never have been planned for. I just feel that if I wait too long, I'll lose my shot. Something will happen. I'm almost 34 years old (my birthday is March 20); my health is reasonably good despite my obesity problems (which are relatively minor while regulated with meds), but how long will that last? What if something happens at my workplace and I lose my job? I don't want to wait for the right time, only to have that time never come because I didn't make it sooner.

And, why oh why does it have to cost so damn much? People are traveling all the time; jetting off to here or there seems to be so simple for other people, and not just the wealthy and well-to-do. The average Tom, Dick, and Harriet seem to be able to drop what they're doing and go where they want to go. How are they affording it? Mind you, I'm sure they're not traveling to places like Japan, which is infamous for being an expensive travel destination, but still, people are making it happen. How are THEY doing it? And can I hide in their luggage? Just make sure it's a big suitcase with some holes punched in for breathing. I can always crack it open once I'm in the luggage compartment.

A part of me really wants to just give up, because the more I think about it, the more depressed I feel. I look at all the Japanese pictures and items on my work desk, and I love them all, but they all serve as a reminder to me of how foolhardy my dream is.

I don't think I can get anyone to really understand how important this is to me. I only know two people who are seriously trying to understand my need to do this: my wife, and a dear friend of mine from MySpace. My wife doesn't share quite the same level of enthusiasm for this goal as I do. I don't fault her for that; I think she's more firmly rooted in reality, seeing that our financial situation makes such an adventure damn near impossible, while I'm still floating on a cloud of delusion thinking there's got to be some way we can work it out.

But, maybe it is just a pipe dream. Maybe it is just the silly dream of someone who's trying to live beyond his means. I should just give it up and stick to reading about it and learning the language as a hobby; if I let it go, the heartbreak of failure won't be so painful. You can't fail at something you're not trying to accomplish.

Yet...the desire is just too strong, the need too great. And, damn it, I deserve it. I've worked hard since I was 16 years old There have only been three months I did not work from then till now. I took care of my grandmother until she passed away, then my mother until she passed away. I have a good job, a great marriage, and a reasonably clean bill of health. I DESERVE THIS. I'VE EARNED THIS. So, goddamnit, let me have my dream! Throw me a freaking bone!!! Haven't I done enough? What more must I do? Win the lottery? Rob a bank? Fuck that; it's not fair! I want my shot!

*sigh* Sorry, I guess I needed to get that out.

Thanks for reading.

Nobody expects the man who would be gaijin!

Sugoi sugoi! It's been way too freakin' long since I've posted here. Sadly, there's been very little, if any, progress made in my goal to get to Japan, but the hope and determination for that venture are stronger than ever. Nothing will keep me from my dream. NOTHING.

I do have a story to relate...

Over the previous weekend, I received notification that a Japanese Language and Culture Meet-up group had been formed in the area, made up of Japanese language students and others who appreciated Japan as I do from the area. They were to meet up this past Monday at a cafe on the east side of town. I decided I would attend because I wanted to meet people with the same interest I had.

So, I left directly from work to the east side, anticipating an atrocious traffic situation...glad I did. It was slow-going due to heavy fog. I had time to spare, so I shopped at the nearby Borders bookstore, then I headed toward the cafe. Unfortunately, I had not thought to print out the address of the cafe, so I got completely lost. When I finally found the street I needed to be on, I had to take two runs around just to find the cafe and get a parking space.

When I walked in, there were all of four people there, and two sat at a far table. I noticed Japanese language books on the table; this was obviously the place.

Now, before I continue, you need to know that I am not a social butterfly by any stretch of the imagination. I am very shy around new people, and I'm not the kind of person that feels comfortable approaching strangers and making my presence known. I need to feel like I'm welcome in order to start feeling comfortable around others. So, in a situation like this, I was crippled by a sense of not belonging.

Part of this was attributed to the fact that there was no sign indicating that this was the actual "group" that was scheduled to meet here. Sure, one could ASSUME that it was based on the fact that these two people had Japanese language books on the table, but they could've just been two students working on their Japanese language class homework. Also, when I sat down a table or so away, not announcing my presence or intent but instead choosing to observe for a moment, they looked my way as if someone with two noses had just came in the room. They weren't rude about it; they just seemed as if my presence had disrupted their personal harmony.

The other big problem is that they were speaking almost entirely in Japanese. Now, my Japanese is very poor; to the point where I would not be able to easily understand people, were I to be boarding a flight there today. I'd be praying for english-speakers when I got to Tokyo. Part of the reason why I joined this group was because I thought i'd be able to learn from experts. Instead, I would be expected to already be an expert. This made the whole situation very unattractive to me, so after about 15 minutes where I pretended to read and drink my smoothie, I left, feeling utterly dejected.

Due to construction in the area, I got hopelessly misdirected and ended up going out of my way just to get back home. By the time I did reach home, I was so disillusioned, I told my wife, "someone owes me the last three hours of my life back".

Since I started my Japan "crusade", i've felt terribly isolated. No one around me shares my interest or enthusiasm regarding my goal. They all listen and talk to me as if they would a child speaking about his or her dreams to become ruler of the world. They obviously see my dream as ONLY a dream, something that could never be accomplished, and their lack of enthusiasm infects my spirit like a virus. My hope was that this group I went to meet would be my sanctuary, a mini-society of people that could relate to my feelings toward Japan and share my enthusiasm. That makes the letdown I experienced even more painful.

Pessimism Sneaks In >_<

It is on days like today, where I'm at work in the aftermath of a snowstorm that stuck us with six more inches, that I wish the hardest to be shopping in Akihabara, eating at a noodle stand in Shinjuku, or riding the shinkansen to Kyoto, taking in the beautiful temples and gardens and hoping to spot a maiko on her way to an occasion.

It makes me sick inside sometimes to think of how far away I am from that goal. Right now, I can't see an occasion that will ever allow me to have the money to get there. Even now, with the revelation of stock from my grandfather held over from decades ago, and an insurance policy my mother had that I didn't think had anything on it, I'm still left without the means. All that money has more important places to be.

I can already hear people now: "Oh, stop whining! Are you even trying to save money? Probably not! And besides, lots of people don't get their dreams fulfilled! There are people starving all over the world! There are people deprived of even basic human rights, and you're bellyaching about not being able to go to Japan! How selfish!!!" Well, to those people, I have two things to say: 1. I would save money if I didn't have the reality of bill payments to deal with. I'd be willing to put aside $50 a paycheck if I could spare it. Yes I know there are people struggling all over the world, but why is it selfish to pursue a dream? And, is it THAT extravagant and unreasonable a goal? The other thing I have to say to those people is: go fuck yourselves.

I'm going to find a station on Radio365 that plays J-pop or maybe traditional Japanese music and immerse myself in all things Nihongo. In my mind, I'm already there.

Long time, no B

It's been almost a month since I updated my blog, and that's probably going to be the usual thing for the first few months. More often than not, I'm not going to have a whole lot to say, or rather, I'm not going to have anything to say that I feel needs to be retained here. Never fear, however, for I have not forgotten whoever happens to be reading this (which I'm betting is no one, right now).

ANYWAY...

I finally found an indoor bonsai tree! My coworker, Abby, informed me that Stein's Garden and Gifts had some in stock, so I trekked over there on my lunch break Wednesday and found one. According to our research, it's a Baby Jade Bonsai. The poor thing hasn't gotten any kind of water in a long time, so as soon as I put some in a little bath tray for it, it drank it down like a desert nomad finding fresh water at an oasis. It's not exactly the style of bonsai I would've preferred, but it'll do just fine. I hope it lives a long and healthy life under my care, which will be next to a miracle, since plants usually don't do well around me.

I'm still completely invested in my Japan goal. I just wish I had the money to invest in it as well. *sigh*

More later.

All's quiet....and boooooooring

I haven't posted in the past few days because, quite frankly, there's been nothing to write about. Things have been fairly stagnant for me. The only activity worthy of ranting and raving about is a check-up with my gastroenterologist that convinced me that at least one Nazi escaped prosecution in the aftermath of World War II and found his way to Milwaukee.

Of course, my dreams of going to Japan remain solid and focused, and I still fully intend to get there, no matter what.

I'm trying to figure out how I can give this blog more exposure. If no one's going to read this stuff, I see little need to post it other than as a way to off-load all the thoughts that are in my head at any given time.

More later.

Halloween Idea

Halloween is fast approaching, and I would like to find a decent samurai costume. However, the ones available through most costuming websites are just GOD-AWFUL. Folks, trust me, if at all possible, construct your own costumes. The crap these companies sell are a complete and utter rip-off, and they are the most sinfully ugly outfits I've ever seen.

The problem for me is that I'm plus-size, and if you think the costumes for regular sizes are bad, you should see the crap they sell for plusses. They're hideous, and they're maybe one size above regular, which doesn't make them really plus-sized at all.

A samurai costume is more than just throwing on a robe, slipping some swords under the sash, and walking around in socks and sandals. For me, it has to look like at least SOME thought was put into it. And, while I don't want to spend a fortune on something I won't wear more than once a year, for maybe one year, I'm willing to spend a little extra to obtain some degree of authenticity.

Oh, well...I'll see what I can dig up. I'll keep you informed.