THE MAN WHO WOULD BE GAIJIN

The Man Who IS Otaku

2009-10-26T10:02:00.003-05:00

Picked up this AWESOME book yesterday: The Otaku Encyclopedia, by Patrick W. Galbraith. I was paging through it last night and was stunned at how much I already knew and how much more I didn't. I've always considered myself an otaku (which translates as nerd, geek, or fanboy), but I think I have some catching up to do, as there's a lot more in terms of otaku culture out there that I've barely scratched the surface on. This book should be a very interesting read.

By the way, if you want a really easy way to annoy the ever-loving HELL out of me, make the claim that I only want to go to Japan for the otaku stuff. I'm sorry, but those who believe that is all there is to Japan are truly clueless. Yes, the anime/manga/J-pop/J-idol fandom there is a big part of Japanese culture, but is not by a long shot what made me fall in love with the country. All one needs to do is study the country's history pre-20th Century to become fascinated and captivated. So much of that history still exists in Japan, if you know where to look, and believe me; I do. Don't get me wrong; I do intend to spend a lot of time in Akiba (short for Akihabara, the center for Otaku culture in Japan), but I'll be much more captivated by Himeji-jo or the streets of Gion in Kyoto as I hope for a glimpse of a genuine Maiko.

Mata ne!

Long time, no blog. Get ready for a rant.

2009-10-25T23:18:00.005-05:00

I can't believe I've let this page lay fallow for so long. Sadly, I'd forgotten about it. Sometimes you have to put your dreams aside when harsh reality requires the spotlight. Honestly, I thought about just shutting this blog down at first. I mean, let's face it: this is a nice dream, but more than likely, that's all it's going to be. I'll very likely never get to Japan, even for a few days, which at this point, I'd gladly settle for rather than never. But with my financial situation in the dumper, the most exposure to Japanese culture I can hope for in the near future is a road trip to Mitsuwa Marketplace in Chicago.

Ugh, I hate feeling this way. I'll say one thing for an unrequited dream: when you're in the mood to indulge in it, there's no better feeling. You're always one step away from its realization.

It's not just the Japan thing, though. There's a lot more to how I feel right now. Biggest among them: I feel unappreciated at work. I, along with the other people in our department bust our asses every day, putting up with some of the most frustrating people that ever put their hands on a keyboard and mouse. We're constantly under the watchful eyes of our manager and his managers to keep our cool, fix the customer's problems, and go through the proper channels when we can't. But, in the past six months or so, I've felt like we've become the scapegoats. We're the collective target of blame for every mishandled matter, even if we weren't the direct cause of the mishandling. We're easy to blame, and I'm assuming the rationale involved is that we're not the direct source of revenue. Never mind that our work directly correlates with the decision by a customer to either continue using our services or go elsewhere. If we give them good service, they stick with us and pay money to renew every year, thereby bringing revenue into the company's coffers. See how it works?

I made the foolish decision to skip taking my anxiety/depression meds these past two days because I'm running low, and I want to wait to refill my prescription. As a result, my mood has been riding a roller coaster these past few hours, and right now I'm at the biggest drop. It's bad enough that I take so much personally and let things, even if they're small, affect me deeply, but compound that with not taking my meds, and hooooooo boy. All my dislikes about myself and my life are coming at me full force, and there's nothing I can do to talk myself back from it.

Therefore, I'm going to do the smart thing and go to sleep. I'm going to rest my head on the pillow and think about the trip to Tokyo...landing at Narita, taking the shuttle to the hotel, probably the Shinagawa Prince....taking the train to Akihabara...visiting Senso-ji....

Sounds like sweet dreams are in store for me.

Oyasumi nasai.

This dream never dies...it just slips in and out of a coma

2008-07-17T13:07:00.003-05:00

Been a REALLY long time since I've had anything to say here. Then again, I've never been good with keeping up on blogs. I can't help but feel that my diatribes on how much I want to go to Japan are of no use to anyone, save for those who love sob stories about people dreaming beyond their means. ;-)

I continue to hold onto the hope and dream that I will make it to Japan. I refuse to see it as completely impossible. Someday, somehow, the opportunity will present itself, and nothing will stand in my way. I don't care what I have to do (within reason); I will make this happen for me.

Is it a stupid dream?

2008-03-03T11:27:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I wonder if fate is consipiring against me to ensure my dream of visiting Japan never happens.

I've been trying to find ways to make my dream come true in the most inexpensive ways possible. I've looked into special package deals and I've even checked out language study in Tokyo (which is offered by an organization out of Milwaukee). I have yet to find anything that's monetarily feasible. The package deals are fine, but they have limitations that don't work for us, such as having to travel within a certain time period and flying in a certain class. Let me clarify on the latter: if we're going to spend 19 hours on an airplane, we are going to fly either business-class or first-class. That's a big part of the cost, I understand, but there's no way I'm spending 19 hours in Coach squeezed into the middle of an aisle while blood clots slowly form in my legs due to inability to move freely around the cabin. Two, three, even four hours? Yeah, I can handle Coach for that. 19? Nope, don't think so. I'd rather fork over the extra bit of cash to fly in comfort for such a special occasion.

The language study is a great opportunity, but flight and lodging aren't included in the cost. The class is a 4-week course, which I don't have enough vacation time for, and it costs $973, not including various fees. Then, add in the flight and lodging costs, and I'm right back where I started. And where would I stay? In someone's house? How awkward is that? I'm shy around people I don't know to begin with, but throw in a language barrier, and I might as well be an alien landing in the middle of a military installation...that's how out-of-place I'll feel.

I hate this frame of mind; I really do. It's despair, despondence, hopelessness. There's more than a little impatience in there, too, but I don't think I should be faulted for that. How long should I have to wait to make a dream come true? A year? Five years? Ten? Life is unpredictable; I know I'm going to hate myself if I say "I'll wait five years", and then sometime during that span, something catastrophic happens that could never have been planned for. I just feel that if I wait too long, I'll lose my shot. Something will happen. I'm almost 34 years old (my birthday is March 20); my health is reasonably good despite my obesity problems (which are relatively minor while regulated with meds), but how long will that last? What if something happens at my workplace and I lose my job? I don't want to wait for the right time, only to have that time never come because I didn't make it sooner.

And, why oh why does it have to cost so damn much? People are traveling all the time; jetting off to here or there seems to be so simple for other people, and not just the wealthy and well-to-do. The average Tom, Dick, and Harriet seem to be able to drop what they're doing and go where they want to go. How are they affording it? Mind you, I'm sure they're not traveling to places like Japan, which is infamous for being an expensive travel destination, but still, people are making it happen. How are THEY doing it? And can I hide in their luggage? Just make sure it's a big suitcase with some holes punched in for breathing. I can always crack it open once I'm in the luggage compartment.

A part of me really wants to just give up, because the more I think about it, the more depressed I feel. I look at all the Japanese pictures and items on my work desk, and I love them all, but they all serve as a reminder to me of how foolhardy my dream is.

I don't think I can get anyone to really understand how important this is to me. I only know two people who are seriously trying to understand my need to do this: my wife, and a dear friend of mine from MySpace. My wife doesn't share quite the same level of enthusiasm for this goal as I do. I don't fault her for that; I think she's more firmly rooted in reality, seeing that our financial situation makes such an adventure damn near impossible, while I'm still floating on a cloud of delusion thinking there's got to be some way we can work it out.

But, maybe it is just a pipe dream. Maybe it is just the silly dream of someone who's trying to live beyond his means. I should just give it up and stick to reading about it and learning the language as a hobby; if I let it go, the heartbreak of failure won't be so painful. You can't fail at something you're not trying to accomplish.

Yet...the desire is just too strong, the need too great. And, damn it, I deserve it. I've worked hard since I was 16 years old There have only been three months I did not work from then till now. I took care of my grandmother until she passed away, then my mother until she passed away. I have a good job, a great marriage, and a reasonably clean bill of health. I DESERVE THIS. I'VE EARNED THIS. So, goddamnit, let me have my dream! Throw me a freaking bone!!! Haven't I done enough? What more must I do? Win the lottery? Rob a bank? Fuck that; it's not fair! I want my shot!

*sigh* Sorry, I guess I needed to get that out.

Thanks for reading.

Nobody expects the man who would be gaijin!

2008-02-07T08:53:00.001-06:00

Sugoi sugoi! It's been way too freakin' long since I've posted here. Sadly, there's been very little, if any, progress made in my goal to get to Japan, but the hope and determination for that venture are stronger than ever. Nothing will keep me from my dream. NOTHING.

I do have a story to relate...

Over the previous weekend, I received notification that a Japanese Language and Culture Meet-up group had been formed in the area, made up of Japanese language students and others who appreciated Japan as I do from the area. They were to meet up this past Monday at a cafe on the east side of town. I decided I would attend because I wanted to meet people with the same interest I had.

So, I left directly from work to the east side, anticipating an atrocious traffic situation...glad I did. It was slow-going due to heavy fog. I had time to spare, so I shopped at the nearby Borders bookstore, then I headed toward the cafe. Unfortunately, I had not thought to print out the address of the cafe, so I got completely lost. When I finally found the street I needed to be on, I had to take two runs around just to find the cafe and get a parking space.

When I walked in, there were all of four people there, and two sat at a far table. I noticed Japanese language books on the table; this was obviously the place.

Now, before I continue, you need to know that I am not a social butterfly by any stretch of the imagination. I am very shy around new people, and I'm not the kind of person that feels comfortable approaching strangers and making my presence known. I need to feel like I'm welcome in order to start feeling comfortable around others. So, in a situation like this, I was crippled by a sense of not belonging.

Part of this was attributed to the fact that there was no sign indicating that this was the actual "group" that was scheduled to meet here. Sure, one could ASSUME that it was based on the fact that these two people had Japanese language books on the table, but they could've just been two students working on their Japanese language class homework. Also, when I sat down a table or so away, not announcing my presence or intent but instead choosing to observe for a moment, they looked my way as if someone with two noses had just came in the room. They weren't rude about it; they just seemed as if my presence had disrupted their personal harmony.

The other big problem is that they were speaking almost entirely in Japanese. Now, my Japanese is very poor; to the point where I would not be able to easily understand people, were I to be boarding a flight there today. I'd be praying for english-speakers when I got to Tokyo. Part of the reason why I joined this group was because I thought i'd be able to learn from experts. Instead, I would be expected to already be an expert. This made the whole situation very unattractive to me, so after about 15 minutes where I pretended to read and drink my smoothie, I left, feeling utterly dejected.

Due to construction in the area, I got hopelessly misdirected and ended up going out of my way just to get back home. By the time I did reach home, I was so disillusioned, I told my wife, "someone owes me the last three hours of my life back".

Since I started my Japan "crusade", i've felt terribly isolated. No one around me shares my interest or enthusiasm regarding my goal. They all listen and talk to me as if they would a child speaking about his or her dreams to become ruler of the world. They obviously see my dream as ONLY a dream, something that could never be accomplished, and their lack of enthusiasm infects my spirit like a virus. My hope was that this group I went to meet would be my sanctuary, a mini-society of people that could relate to my feelings toward Japan and share my enthusiasm. That makes the letdown I experienced even more painful.

Pessimism Sneaks In >_<

2007-12-05T08:52:00.000-06:00

It is on days like today, where I'm at work in the aftermath of a snowstorm that stuck us with six more inches, that I wish the hardest to be shopping in Akihabara, eating at a noodle stand in Shinjuku, or riding the shinkansen to Kyoto, taking in the beautiful temples and gardens and hoping to spot a maiko on her way to an occasion.

It makes me sick inside sometimes to think of how far away I am from that goal. Right now, I can't see an occasion that will ever allow me to have the money to get there. Even now, with the revelation of stock from my grandfather held over from decades ago, and an insurance policy my mother had that I didn't think had anything on it, I'm still left without the means. All that money has more important places to be.

I can already hear people now: "Oh, stop whining! Are you even trying to save money? Probably not! And besides, lots of people don't get their dreams fulfilled! There are people starving all over the world! There are people deprived of even basic human rights, and you're bellyaching about not being able to go to Japan! How selfish!!!" Well, to those people, I have two things to say: 1. I would save money if I didn't have the reality of bill payments to deal with. I'd be willing to put aside $50 a paycheck if I could spare it. Yes I know there are people struggling all over the world, but why is it selfish to pursue a dream? And, is it THAT extravagant and unreasonable a goal? The other thing I have to say to those people is: go fuck yourselves.

I'm going to find a station on Radio365 that plays J-pop or maybe traditional Japanese music and immerse myself in all things Nihongo. In my mind, I'm already there.

Long time, no B

2007-11-09T10:22:00.001-06:00

It's been almost a month since I updated my blog, and that's probably going to be the usual thing for the first few months. More often than not, I'm not going to have a whole lot to say, or rather, I'm not going to have anything to say that I feel needs to be retained here. Never fear, however, for I have not forgotten whoever happens to be reading this (which I'm betting is no one, right now).

ANYWAY...

I finally found an indoor bonsai tree! My coworker, Abby, informed me that Stein's Garden and Gifts had some in stock, so I trekked over there on my lunch break Wednesday and found one. According to our research, it's a Baby Jade Bonsai. The poor thing hasn't gotten any kind of water in a long time, so as soon as I put some in a little bath tray for it, it drank it down like a desert nomad finding fresh water at an oasis. It's not exactly the style of bonsai I would've preferred, but it'll do just fine. I hope it lives a long and healthy life under my care, which will be next to a miracle, since plants usually don't do well around me.

I'm still completely invested in my Japan goal. I just wish I had the money to invest in it as well. *sigh*

More later.

All's quiet....and boooooooring

2007-10-12T10:07:00.001-05:00

I haven't posted in the past few days because, quite frankly, there's been nothing to write about. Things have been fairly stagnant for me. The only activity worthy of ranting and raving about is a check-up with my gastroenterologist that convinced me that at least one Nazi escaped prosecution in the aftermath of World War II and found his way to Milwaukee.

Of course, my dreams of going to Japan remain solid and focused, and I still fully intend to get there, no matter what.

I'm trying to figure out how I can give this blog more exposure. If no one's going to read this stuff, I see little need to post it other than as a way to off-load all the thoughts that are in my head at any given time.

More later.

Halloween Idea

2007-10-04T12:53:00.001-05:00

Halloween is fast approaching, and I would like to find a decent samurai costume. However, the ones available through most costuming websites are just GOD-AWFUL. Folks, trust me, if at all possible, construct your own costumes. The crap these companies sell are a complete and utter rip-off, and they are the most sinfully ugly outfits I've ever seen.

The problem for me is that I'm plus-size, and if you think the costumes for regular sizes are bad, you should see the crap they sell for plusses. They're hideous, and they're maybe one size above regular, which doesn't make them really plus-sized at all.

A samurai costume is more than just throwing on a robe, slipping some swords under the sash, and walking around in socks and sandals. For me, it has to look like at least SOME thought was put into it. And, while I don't want to spend a fortune on something I won't wear more than once a year, for maybe one year, I'm willing to spend a little extra to obtain some degree of authenticity.

Oh, well...I'll see what I can dig up. I'll keep you informed.

Shine bakayaro!

2007-10-03T15:39:00.001-05:00

In case you're wondering what that means, it translates from Japanese to "Shut up, you idiot", which is exactly what I've felt like saying to many people in the past few days.
Can someone explain to me what it is about people where they just become completely helpless and would rather let someone else do something than do it themselves? No one wants to do their jobs anymore, or at least, do them RIGHT. Yet, they'll be among the first to raise hell should something be wrong in their eyes. That kind of double standard infuriates me.
Today has been particularly frustrating. The calls at work have been out of control. There haven't been many days we weren't short at least one rep, and some days we're short 2 or more. It stands to reason, of course, that on those days, we're more swamped than usual because we don't have the coverage we need. These days, like today, raise my stressed-out-o-meter to the danger zone.

Folks, there are two things that you all need to re-learn, and those things are: PATIENCE and COMMON SENSE. Let's have a holiday from freaking out when you're forced to wait a whole 2 minutes for help, okay? When someone (like me) is here to diagnose your technical problem, make sure to be at the computer you need help with and have at least minimal recollection of the problem, or else I can't help you. Savvy? None of this is ballbusting, rocket-scientist stuff here. These are things we should just KNOW.

I have to master the art of patience while trying to raise funds for my Japan journey. If I don't, I'll give up or just get so frustrated I won't want to go anymore, and that's the last thing I want to have happen. And, it's not easy. I'm not the most patient man on the planet, and I've had my share of missed connections with common sense. But, I keep trying, and because of that, I will continue to improve.

Well, back to work, I guess. I still have a few clumps of hair I haven't pulled out of my scalp yet.

It doesn't hurt to have hope...most of the time.

2007-09-27T09:03:00.000-05:00

Today, my lovely wife Heather is coming in to the office I work in for a second interview. A webmaster position opened up, and she was considered first after applying for another job with our company a few months ago. She was in the running until the very end, when they went with someone else. Now, it seems my company's giving her a second chance.

I firmly believe my wife is more than qualified for any job within this company. She's smart, she's talented, she's got a good eye for aesthetic quality as well as functionality, and she works well with customers. I think this position she's interviewing for would be a perfect fit for her skills.

The problem is, my company has this problem with making the right choices. I know I'm terribly biased in this situation, but I maintain that Heather deserved to get the job she interviewed for previously. And she was close...REALLY close...to getting it. Yet, at the last minute, they pulled the rug out from under her. It devastated her. For days she was deeply depressed, doubting her skills and her abilities. Her friends and I were very concerned. I can't blame her for feeling as badly as she did; I would too. They lifted her hopes, only to let them fall and shatter on the cold, hard ground below. For those reasons, I've told her not to get too excited about this current opportunity. I don't trust my company to make the right decision in hiring her, and I don't want her to feel let down again.

It's a shame, too. I want to be excited for her and for this opportunity. She'd be perfect for it. But, I feel like I can't, because I don't want to jinx it. To her credit, she's looking at it much the same way I am, but I believe that deep down, she still really wants this job and will still be hurt if she doesn't get it.

I hope very much that my gut feelings are wrong, and that soon, I'll be able to happily and proudly announce that my wife has a new job. Nothing would give me greater joy.

Like the title says, it doesn't hurt to have hope...right?

The man with the plan...and the reasons why

2007-09-26T13:53:00.000-05:00

Normally I wouldn't feel the need to create a blog. After all, my life is pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Does the internet need yet another blogger who thinks his insights will open people's eyes and minds? Of course not. But, I felt compelled to create one anyway because I feel my endeavor has merit, and it gives me a little extra nudge to see it through. If it's something I keep to myself, it's easy to just let it fade into nothingness. If others are aware of it, at least someone might say, "Hey, whatever happened to your plans to go to Japan?"

So...why Japan? Well, to put it simply, I owe it all to Richard Chamberlain and Toshiro Mifune.

Curious yet? Let me explain.

In the early 80's, a television miniseries of James Clavell's novel SHOGUN was aired on NBC. It starred Richard Chamberlain as John Blackthorne, the pilot of a dutch ship that runs aground off the coast of Japan in the 1600's. He becomes an important figure in a power play for the rule of all Japan, spearheaded by Yoshi Toranaga, played by the legendary Toshiro Mifune. Also, Blackthorne befriends and falls in love with Toranaga's translator, a beautiful young woman named Mariko, who must defend her growing love for Blackthorne against the traditions that fight to keep her away. If you want to know more, rent or buy the DVD set. It's worth checking out.

Anyway, when I watched it with my mother, I was spellbound. The language, the clothes, the traditions, the landscapes...it was all breathtaking, and once it was all over, I had to know more. I started reading books on Japan and listening to music from the country. Later on, I tried to tackle the language, and didn't have much luck with it at first, but now I'm finding myself much more adept at it, though I still have much to learn.

No other country on Earth has appealed to me as greatly as Japan. If you were to approach my workspace at my office, you'd think it had been surgically removed from a Japanese travel agency. Pictures, postcards, and even a collectible plate of a Japanese courtesan, or Oiran, decorate my desk. Wallpapers of Japanese castles and other scenery regularly circulate on my PC's desktop.

But, I need to make it clear that this not about an obsessed Japanophile or otaku wanting to visit the absolutely best place to get the latest anime and manga. It's much more than that.

Japan is a country that has gone through so much change in the last 500 years. As it has evolved, it has retained a strong hold on its traditions while changing with time's demands. It is still a technological superpower, and a powerful force in the international business world. Walk the streets of Tokyo and you'll be in the middle of a city constantly on the go, controlled by the conveniences of the modern world. In contrast, one can walk through a garden in Kyoto, and be transported to a time where samurai defended the land and courtesans wooed patrons in the pleasure quarters. It's so much more than the country of teenage swimsuit models, maid cafes, and J-pop.

I am sure many countries can bring you similar experiences, but Japan is the place I choose to experience them.

My plan is to begin saving at least $20 out of every paycheck. I'd like to start at $50, but I want to be modest about it since my financial obligations take precedence. Over time, this money will be stored in such a manner that I cannot access until all of the money needed for the trip has been amassed. I don't want the temptation of pulling from there to fund some minor expense. Once I am able to put more in the fund, I will begin doing so. Every paycheck, for as long as is necessary, I will store a sum of money, until there is enough for my wife and I to fly to and from Japan, stay there at least a week in a reasonably nice hotel or ryokan, eat, see the sights and do a little shopping.

Right now, it's looking like that sum of money will be pretty high. According to Orbitz, the travel site I just picked from memory, the price for a flight and a week's hotel stay in Japan, STARTS at $1530 per person. Mind you, that doesn't even account for incidental costs during the trip, such as bus/train travel, food, shopping, or sightseeing. I think I found a deal on Priceline.com for about $100 less, but still, you get the idea...it's a pretty damn pricy journey.

That's why I'm fully expecting that I will not reach Japan until mid-to-late 2009, unless we experience a cash windfall, which I SERIOUSLY doubt.

I am hoping that somewhere along the way, people will be able to point me to deals that could get my wife and I there and back with much less financial drainage and minimal discomfort. In other words, while I'm willing to fly and sleep on the cheap, I'd rather not be flying in on a prop plane and sleeping in a capsule hotel with the other salarymen. I want this to be an enjoyable and memorable experience for both of us.

Well, that's enough for now. I'll have plenty of time to talk about this more as the weeks and months roll on.

Ikimasu!!!

And So We Begin...

2007-09-26T09:30:00.001-05:00

Yokoso! (that means "Welcome" in Japanese)

This blog will have many purposes, chiefly among those being my plans for a journey to the beautiful country of Japan. It has been a dream of mine since I was a child, and I've made a decision that before I leave this earth, I WILL get there. This blog will document the steps I've taken to get to that goal, and once I get there, I will detail the events of my journey.

Also, this blog will serve as a general rant-and-rave forum on my everyday life, from the incidental to the consequential. My inner geek will have plenty of opportunities to shine, and I am also sure my darker self will rise to the surface from time to time, but no one is without their imperfections, and there's no logic in trying to hide them.

I hope you'll patiently join me on this journey-before-the-journey, and occasionally show your support.

And so we begin...