Misery with Company, Pt. 1

I never like to say "I hate my job".  I don't *hate* it.  Knowing how many people are struggling right now to make ends meet and find a job so they can take care of themselves and their loved ones, saying that I hate my job when it's putting money in my wallet, food in my stomach, and keeping a roof over my head seems rather foolish.  I'm more likely to say that I "don't like" my job, which to my way of thinking is not the same thing.  Hate is a very strong, drastic state of mind, but dislike, while still not by any means positive, is much less extreme and allows much more room for positive change.

Honestly, the more accurate point of view on this is that I don't dislike the *job*.  Rather, I dislike the company I work for.

I'm not going to go into specifics, for obvious reasons.  It's not like I'd necessarily be safe from reprisal if someone at my office read this, but I just don't feel the need to name names or point fingers.  But I will say in all honesty that my relationship with the department I work in has turned from one of joviality and cooperation to one of suspicion and resentment....mainly my suspicions and resentment toward them.

Sadly, my reasons for disliking the company I work for are plentiful, but for this entry, I'm going to focus on my coworkers.

I get along with the people I work with.  That is to say, I have no open rivalries with anyone and they have none with me.  We can have casual conversations, joke and laugh, etc.  But with the exception of one or two people, we're not friends.  We don't all hang out after hours, I don't meet up with any of them on the evenings or weekends for any reason, and I certainly don't let them in on my personal life beyond whatever is relevant to our workplace discussions.

One of my manager's goals is to make us more of a team, so once a month, she has us meet after hours to talk about things going on in our department and to help us get to know one another by way of group activities.  It's total "how to improve departmental performance" textbook nonsense, but I have to admit, when I'm participating, it can be entertaining.  However, I'm not a social butterfly by any means.  It takes me a while to warm up to people and engage them without feeling uncomfortable.  So when we participate in these activities, I feel very ill at ease.  I would much rather be left alone to do what I was hired to do and benefit the team THAT way.  After all, if I work hard and do my job well, doesn't that benefit the team as a whole?  Why do we need this forced camaraderie?

Speaking more to that point, tomorrow my manager is having a cookout at her house and has invited all of us.  It's a nice gesture, one that most managers would never consider because it involves opening up their personal space to their employees.  But I couldn't be less enthusiastic or comfortable about the whole thing.  First of all, there will be kids there; namely my manager's, and at least one other employee's.  I don't hate children, but they make me very uncomfortable.  They're noisy, rambunctious, unknowingly (most of the time) rude...they multiply my social awkwardness by a factor of 1000.  Second of all, when I'm not at work, I do everything I can to block out my work mindset.  I don't think about it if at all possible and I don't meet up with or talk to anyone from the office.  I especially savor those times away when my job gets very stressful or when I'm on call during the week, which extends my work responsibilities after my in-office hours.  So, to go to my manager's house and socialize with my coworkers couldn't possibly look or sound less appealing to me.  It doesn't matter what we're all there together to do, it's still me hanging out with my coworkers when all I want to do is be away from them until the next time I have to be in the office.

My wife really wants to go tomorrow.  She's not a part of our department, but since our families were invited as well as ourselves, she's a part of this gathering.   She's just as frustrated about the state of our company and how it affects her job as I am, perhaps even more so.  Therefore, her insistence that we should go to this gathering baffles me.  Her rationale for going tomorrow is that we never get invited anywhere and we don't have many friends that we hang out with.  I can't believe she doesn't understand this very simple fact: THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT OUR FRIENDS.  They're COWORKERS.  We may get along with them, but it's because we more or less have to, not because they're friends of ours.  More to the point, I'm not really sure if I want them to be my friends.  I have trust issues with people, and when I open my heart and soul to someone and accept them as a friend, even the smallest betrayal cuts me like a katana.  So, I don't want to be all buddy/buddy with them one day and then have them throwing me under the bus for something the next.  It would crush me, and I'd resent them to the point of hatred.

I think part of the reason my manager is hosting this event is because she wants to boost morale and help us get along better so we'll work better as a team.  It's a laudable goal; that much is true.  I also think she wants us to see her as more of a friendly face, someone we can feel comfortable approaching.  That's fine too, but she's my manager, NOT my friend, for the very same reason my coworkers are also not my friends.  I don't want her to be my friend.  Yes, I want to be able to feel comfortable talking to her about my job, and maybe be able to exchange an anecdote and a good-natured laugh now and then, but I don't want her to be my friend.  If a friend pisses you off, you can tell them to go fuck themselves, walk away angrily, but then make up with them later and all is well.  You can't do that if you're friends with your boss.  If they reprimand you for something and you get pissed, you have to suck it up and take it, and that breeds distrust and resentment that never really goes away.  You know they have to be your boss first and foremost, which means disciplinary actions or criticism when necessary, and you can't fault them for that because that's their job, but you still feel betrayed deep down because, as a friend, they're supposed to understand and accept you without hesitation.

More later...