Sometimes I wonder if fate is consipiring against me to ensure my dream of visiting Japan never happens.
I've been trying to find ways to make my dream come true in the most inexpensive ways possible. I've looked into special package deals and I've even checked out language study in Tokyo (which is offered by an organization out of Milwaukee). I have yet to find anything that's monetarily feasible. The package deals are fine, but they have limitations that don't work for us, such as having to travel within a certain time period and flying in a certain class. Let me clarify on the latter: if we're going to spend 19 hours on an airplane, we are going to fly either business-class or first-class. That's a big part of the cost, I understand, but there's no way I'm spending 19 hours in Coach squeezed into the middle of an aisle while blood clots slowly form in my legs due to inability to move freely around the cabin. Two, three, even four hours? Yeah, I can handle Coach for that. 19? Nope, don't think so. I'd rather fork over the extra bit of cash to fly in comfort for such a special occasion.
The language study is a great opportunity, but flight and lodging aren't included in the cost. The class is a 4-week course, which I don't have enough vacation time for, and it costs $973, not including various fees. Then, add in the flight and lodging costs, and I'm right back where I started. And where would I stay? In someone's house? How awkward is that? I'm shy around people I don't know to begin with, but throw in a language barrier, and I might as well be an alien landing in the middle of a military installation...that's how out-of-place I'll feel.
I hate this frame of mind; I really do. It's despair, despondence, hopelessness. There's more than a little impatience in there, too, but I don't think I should be faulted for that. How long should I have to wait to make a dream come true? A year? Five years? Ten? Life is unpredictable; I know I'm going to hate myself if I say "I'll wait five years", and then sometime during that span, something catastrophic happens that could never have been planned for. I just feel that if I wait too long, I'll lose my shot. Something will happen. I'm almost 34 years old (my birthday is March 20); my health is reasonably good despite my obesity problems (which are relatively minor while regulated with meds), but how long will that last? What if something happens at my workplace and I lose my job? I don't want to wait for the right time, only to have that time never come because I didn't make it sooner.
And, why oh why does it have to cost so damn much? People are traveling all the time; jetting off to here or there seems to be so simple for other people, and not just the wealthy and well-to-do. The average Tom, Dick, and Harriet seem to be able to drop what they're doing and go where they want to go. How are they affording it? Mind you, I'm sure they're not traveling to places like Japan, which is infamous for being an expensive travel destination, but still, people are making it happen. How are THEY doing it? And can I hide in their luggage? Just make sure it's a big suitcase with some holes punched in for breathing. I can always crack it open once I'm in the luggage compartment.
A part of me really wants to just give up, because the more I think about it, the more depressed I feel. I look at all the Japanese pictures and items on my work desk, and I love them all, but they all serve as a reminder to me of how foolhardy my dream is.
I don't think I can get anyone to really understand how important this is to me. I only know two people who are seriously trying to understand my need to do this: my wife, and a dear friend of mine from MySpace. My wife doesn't share quite the same level of enthusiasm for this goal as I do. I don't fault her for that; I think she's more firmly rooted in reality, seeing that our financial situation makes such an adventure damn near impossible, while I'm still floating on a cloud of delusion thinking there's got to be some way we can work it out.
But, maybe it is just a pipe dream. Maybe it is just the silly dream of someone who's trying to live beyond his means. I should just give it up and stick to reading about it and learning the language as a hobby; if I let it go, the heartbreak of failure won't be so painful. You can't fail at something you're not trying to accomplish.
Yet...the desire is just too strong, the need too great. And, damn it, I deserve it. I've worked hard since I was 16 years old There have only been three months I did not work from then till now. I took care of my grandmother until she passed away, then my mother until she passed away. I have a good job, a great marriage, and a reasonably clean bill of health. I DESERVE THIS. I'VE EARNED THIS. So, goddamnit, let me have my dream! Throw me a freaking bone!!! Haven't I done enough? What more must I do? Win the lottery? Rob a bank? Fuck that; it's not fair! I want my shot!
*sigh* Sorry, I guess I needed to get that out.
Thanks for reading.
