Pessimism Sneaks In >_<

It is on days like today, where I'm at work in the aftermath of a snowstorm that stuck us with six more inches, that I wish the hardest to be shopping in Akihabara, eating at a noodle stand in Shinjuku, or riding the shinkansen to Kyoto, taking in the beautiful temples and gardens and hoping to spot a maiko on her way to an occasion.

It makes me sick inside sometimes to think of how far away I am from that goal. Right now, I can't see an occasion that will ever allow me to have the money to get there. Even now, with the revelation of stock from my grandfather held over from decades ago, and an insurance policy my mother had that I didn't think had anything on it, I'm still left without the means. All that money has more important places to be.

I can already hear people now: "Oh, stop whining! Are you even trying to save money? Probably not! And besides, lots of people don't get their dreams fulfilled! There are people starving all over the world! There are people deprived of even basic human rights, and you're bellyaching about not being able to go to Japan! How selfish!!!" Well, to those people, I have two things to say: 1. I would save money if I didn't have the reality of bill payments to deal with. I'd be willing to put aside $50 a paycheck if I could spare it. Yes I know there are people struggling all over the world, but why is it selfish to pursue a dream? And, is it THAT extravagant and unreasonable a goal? The other thing I have to say to those people is: go fuck yourselves.

I'm going to find a station on Radio365 that plays J-pop or maybe traditional Japanese music and immerse myself in all things Nihongo. In my mind, I'm already there.