THE MAN WHO WOULD BE GAIJIN

Is it not manly to "squee" over this? Probably not, but it's still damn exciting!

2011-10-12T11:29:00.000-05:00

My former boss and current coworker Lisa sent me an instant message directing me to a story that blew my mind and got me so excited I felt like I'd been given a B-12 shot.

I'll link the story at the end, but here's the gist of it:

Back in March, there was a terrible earthquake (and subsequent tsunami) that wreaked havoc along Japan's eastern coastline. The damage also caused a nuclear power plant to nearly go into meltdown. While the worst was averted and Japan is bouncing back the best they can from the disaster, tourism to the country has, to put it bluntly, gone down the crapper. So, it was announced yesterday that the Japan Tourism Agency is pushing for funding from the Japanese government to offer 10,000 free round-trip tickets to Japan starting next year. The only conditions you have to meet (other than having a passport and being able to pay for hotel and miscellaneous expenses if you get to go) are that you have to write in detail why you want to go and what you'd do if you had the chance to go, and if you're selected to go, you have to blog about your trip to a social media site of some sort.

Think of it: FREE AIRFARE TO AND FROM JAPAN!!! That's about 75% of the expense, fully covered! All Heather and I would have to pay for is the hotel and spending money for food and incidentals!

I have to go for now; more later.

Misery with Company, Pt. 2

2011-08-25T16:57:00.000-05:00

Well, since it's been almost a week since I went to the dreaded department outing at my manager's house, I figured I'd recap it.

It was highly tolerable.

I will say this: The food was EXCELLENT. Basic grill-out stuff, but it just seemed to hit the spot. Among my favorites was a sweet cornbread dish made by one of my coworker's girlfriends (more about her later). It was so good my wife and I had to get the recipe.

We also didn't have to sit outside if we didn't want to, which is a plus for me. I'm not an outdoors type by any means, ESPECIALLY when it comes to eating, because I swear all the bugs are more attracted to my food than anyone else's. Plus it was rather humid from a rainstorm earlier that day so being out of the sun was a welcome relief.

Other highlights:

1. One of my manager's daughters pointing to me and saying aloud at the table as we ate, "He has a big tummy, daddy". Ain't that PRECIOUS?!? (note the sarcasm there) I took it in stride as best I can and said, "Yes I do, so I can enjoy all of this wonderful food!" And that seemed to mollify her. Now, I get that little kids have no filtration system; they don't know that saying things like that is shamefully rude. But oh, how I wanted to say instead, "Yes I do...it's big because I eat little children that say mean things to adults!" Yeah...kids say the darndest things.

2. One of my coworkers' girlfriends (the one that brought the cornbread) looks EXACTLY like Selena Gomez. If you don't know who she is, Google her name and you'll find out. Anyway, the resemblance is stunning. Same facial structure, same hair, same body type, height, weight....you'd think she was a twin sister. Well, the daughter of one of my other coworkers went BERZERK over this. Turns out she's a major fan of Ms. Gomez and insisted she get a picture sitting on "Selena's" lap so she could show everyone in school. I found out from "Selena's" boyfriend the next workday that she gets that A LOT, and that he actually encourages it, which she dislikes, much to his amusement. She's actually had little girls following her when they go shopping. Funny stuff.

3. Some people are just naturals when it comes to getting along with children. One of my closer coworker/friends is probably one of the most friendly, outgoing, and lively people I've ever met. He's had such a colorful life, and it's fascinating to hear one of his stories. Anyway, the kids at the party flocked to him like he was a slab of metal and they were all rare-earth magnets. He was so good with them that they could barely stand to be away from him for more than a few minutes. I couldn't help but envy him, honestly. I'd love to be that comfortable and carefree around children, but it's just not part of my wiring.

So, yeah...I didn't have a BAD time. But, do I feel any closer to my coworkers or even my manager as a result? Do I feel like we have a better "team" dynamic now?

Nope. It was a lot of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

But, on the whole...there are worse way to spend a Saturday, I guess...like being on-call and taking customer calls on the work cell phone, like I'll be doing this Saturday.

Faaaaaaaaantastic.

Misery with Company, Pt. 1

2011-08-19T12:02:00.000-05:00

I never like to say "I hate my job". I don't *hate* it. Knowing how many people are struggling right now to make ends meet and find a job so they can take care of themselves and their loved ones, saying that I hate my job when it's putting money in my wallet, food in my stomach, and keeping a roof over my head seems rather foolish. I'm more likely to say that I "don't like" my job, which to my way of thinking is not the same thing. Hate is a very strong, drastic state of mind, but dislike, while still not by any means positive, is much less extreme and allows much more room for positive change.

Honestly, the more accurate point of view on this is that I don't dislike the *job*. Rather, I dislike the company I work for.

I'm not going to go into specifics, for obvious reasons. It's not like I'd necessarily be safe from reprisal if someone at my office read this, but I just don't feel the need to name names or point fingers. But I will say in all honesty that my relationship with the department I work in has turned from one of joviality and cooperation to one of suspicion and resentment....mainly my suspicions and resentment toward them.

Sadly, my reasons for disliking the company I work for are plentiful, but for this entry, I'm going to focus on my coworkers.

I get along with the people I work with. That is to say, I have no open rivalries with anyone and they have none with me. We can have casual conversations, joke and laugh, etc. But with the exception of one or two people, we're not friends. We don't all hang out after hours, I don't meet up with any of them on the evenings or weekends for any reason, and I certainly don't let them in on my personal life beyond whatever is relevant to our workplace discussions.

One of my manager's goals is to make us more of a team, so once a month, she has us meet after hours to talk about things going on in our department and to help us get to know one another by way of group activities. It's total "how to improve departmental performance" textbook nonsense, but I have to admit, when I'm participating, it can be entertaining. However, I'm not a social butterfly by any means. It takes me a while to warm up to people and engage them without feeling uncomfortable. So when we participate in these activities, I feel very ill at ease. I would much rather be left alone to do what I was hired to do and benefit the team THAT way. After all, if I work hard and do my job well, doesn't that benefit the team as a whole? Why do we need this forced camaraderie?

Speaking more to that point, tomorrow my manager is having a cookout at her house and has invited all of us. It's a nice gesture, one that most managers would never consider because it involves opening up their personal space to their employees. But I couldn't be less enthusiastic or comfortable about the whole thing. First of all, there will be kids there; namely my manager's, and at least one other employee's. I don't hate children, but they make me very uncomfortable. They're noisy, rambunctious, unknowingly (most of the time) rude...they multiply my social awkwardness by a factor of 1000. Second of all, when I'm not at work, I do everything I can to block out my work mindset. I don't think about it if at all possible and I don't meet up with or talk to anyone from the office. I especially savor those times away when my job gets very stressful or when I'm on call during the week, which extends my work responsibilities after my in-office hours. So, to go to my manager's house and socialize with my coworkers couldn't possibly look or sound less appealing to me. It doesn't matter what we're all there together to do, it's still me hanging out with my coworkers when all I want to do is be away from them until the next time I have to be in the office.

My wife really wants to go tomorrow. She's not a part of our department, but since our families were invited as well as ourselves, she's a part of this gathering. She's just as frustrated about the state of our company and how it affects her job as I am, perhaps even more so. Therefore, her insistence that we should go to this gathering baffles me. Her rationale for going tomorrow is that we never get invited anywhere and we don't have many friends that we hang out with. I can't believe she doesn't understand this very simple fact: THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT OUR FRIENDS. They're COWORKERS. We may get along with them, but it's because we more or less have to, not because they're friends of ours. More to the point, I'm not really sure if I want them to be my friends. I have trust issues with people, and when I open my heart and soul to someone and accept them as a friend, even the smallest betrayal cuts me like a katana. So, I don't want to be all buddy/buddy with them one day and then have them throwing me under the bus for something the next. It would crush me, and I'd resent them to the point of hatred.

I think part of the reason my manager is hosting this event is because she wants to boost morale and help us get along better so we'll work better as a team. It's a laudable goal; that much is true. I also think she wants us to see her as more of a friendly face, someone we can feel comfortable approaching. That's fine too, but she's my manager, NOT my friend, for the very same reason my coworkers are also not my friends. I don't want her to be my friend. Yes, I want to be able to feel comfortable talking to her about my job, and maybe be able to exchange an anecdote and a good-natured laugh now and then, but I don't want her to be my friend. If a friend pisses you off, you can tell them to go fuck themselves, walk away angrily, but then make up with them later and all is well. You can't do that if you're friends with your boss. If they reprimand you for something and you get pissed, you have to suck it up and take it, and that breeds distrust and resentment that never really goes away. You know they have to be your boss first and foremost, which means disciplinary actions or criticism when necessary, and you can't fault them for that because that's their job, but you still feel betrayed deep down because, as a friend, they're supposed to understand and accept you without hesitation.

More later...

Still here...more or less.

2011-08-17T08:49:00.000-05:00

I've had this blog for a long time, and the road it's built on was paved with good intentions. My intent was to speak of my love for Japan, namely its rich culture, fascinating history, and odd, quirky charms. I also intended to detail my efforts to travel there one day, something I claimed was my one big "dream", my one-item bucket list.

But, as with many things in life (not just mine), time slips away from you, priorities change, and reality rears its ugly, relentlessly logical head. The "dream" of Japan still exists for me, and always will...but I've come to realize it will most likely be only that - a dream, not a reality. The most I can hope for is maybe visiting the Japan-centric area of San Francisco, which I'm told is rather lovely and still rich in Japanese culture while still nestled within a major American city. Until then, there are my occasional trips to Mitsuwa Marketplace, my many books about Japan, and a paper-thin line of hope that will forever exist despite the odds.

Anyway...

Lately I've felt an overwhelming need for a place to upload my brain. I've come home every day from work filled with a maelstrom of thoughts that I can't off-load. I'd do it on my Facebook account, but more and more I find that I have to censor myself there. My wife, my friends and relatives, people who've known me for a long time are there...who better to share your thoughts with, right? Well, not so much. When I'm feeling melancholy, frustrated, or just plain pissed about something, I can't rage about it on Facebook without having people do one of the following:

1. worry about me more than they actually need to
2. Comment on how much worse they've got it than me (like it's some kind of freakin' competition!)
3. utterly ignore me

Those elements don't make for a comfortable forum to air one's grievances about life in general. It's not that this blog will be much better a place. Odds are almost no one will even read it and if they do, they won't respond to any of it. But, that's not really the point. I don't really care if another living soul reads any of what I have to say here; I just want a place to speak my mind without having someone bitch at me for it. I'm not seeking counsel; I'm not looking for solutions to my problems, because the things I'll rage about here will most likely have no attainable solutions. If anyone reading this WANTS to offer their thoughts, they're more than welcome to, but they will be doing so with the knowledge that I'm not soliciting for them.

My one objection is that I didn't create this blog for that purpose. This was my place to gush lovingly about the beautiful, fascinating, and exciting country that I've longed to visit ever since I was a little boy. However, with the hope of getting to Japan fading ever further into the distance, it's time to branch out and use the space rather than let it sit in the World Wide Wasteland.

So, watch this space...or don't. ;-) More is coming.

Holy crap! Someone's read my blog!

2010-01-14T11:36:00.008-06:00

Before I go into detail behind the meaning of this post's title, allow me to give you all a kind "Konnichiwa" and a polite bow of greeting. It's once again been some time since I've written here, as I've foolishly let outside interests interfere with my focus here. I can't promise that won't happen again, but I'll do what I can to avoid its frequency.

Now...as to the title of my post, since I don't often publicize this blog's existence to anyone, it wouldn't surprise me at all to know that no one actually reads it. And if they do, they're probably not making an effort to make their visit known to me.

Well, some posts and months back, someone did.

A gentleman by the name of David read my post in which I mentioned not wanting to fly to Japan on anything less than business or first class due to the length of the flight. Here's what he said:

Dude, no offense, but if you're not even willing to compromise on flying economy class, how can you complain about the money?

Japan costs money. Come cheaply, and you'll pay $600 for a round-trip plane ticket, and $75-$100 a day in expenses while you're here. That's the reality of the situation. Save some money, or find extra work. Hope you get to fulfill your dream, but the only person that can make it happen is you.

Now, I'm probably going to sound like a bit of a jack-ass with some of the things I have to say in response to his message, but let it be said that he has a good point in regards to the flight cost. If I'm not willing to compromise on the flight class, how can I complain about the cost? Yes; very good point. And, if someone said, "Scott, you can go to Japan right now, but you have to fly coach," after I'm revived from my fainting spell, I'd probably say, "Coach? Hell, I don't care if you put me in the luggage compartment! I have to go pack!" So, I guess I shouldn't be quite so choosy. I just rationalized that if I'm going to be on a plane for 19-20 hours, I'd rather be seated where I'll actually have room to move around and keep the blood flowing properly...and be able to sleep, of course, since I can't really sleep sitting up, and knowing my luck, I'd end up in front of some person that'll vehemently object to tilting my seat back for a snooze.

Anyway, my points of contention with David's post are the following:

1. "Japan costs money". This isn't news to me; I can assure you of that. I'm more than aware of how much it costs to travel and stay there; I've done a lot of research on the matter, and considered many variables and alterations in the hopes that I'd find the perfect travel plan that would give me the most "bang for my yen". Sad to say, none of them have materialized as truly viable options. So, pointing this out to me is akin to saying, "See that big glowing ball of fire in the sky? That's the Sun. It's hot."

2. "Save some money". Trust me; I've tried. Unfortunately, that pesky thing called "real-life responsibility" rears its ugly head WAY more often than I'm comfortable with, and there goes that saved money. I'm not the poster boy for money management by any stretch of the imagination, but I do know the basics about budgeting and saving, and telling me to just "save some money" for a trip to Japan is like telling a bachelor, "Go to a bar and pick up a supermodel." Just like that, huh? Really?

3. "Find extra work". I've actually applied at retail and grocery stores for a second job, but none of them contacted me, and I was very flexible in my application when it came to availability. And it's certainly not a matter of qualifications, as I've worked 18 years in customer service, so I should be overqualified for just about any job in retail (sorry, fast-food is where I draw the line), and the hours are flexible enough that I could work after my regular job and on weekends. But...no bites AT ALL.

I beg any of you reading these entries to understand one thing very clearly: I'm not trying to make excuses, and I'm definitely not expecting a hand-out here. No mysterious benefactor is going to see this blog, feel great pity towards me, and bestow upon me the financial means to achieve this goal. I'm not going to win a lottery or get the jackpot spin on a slot machine that will break down this concrete wall in my path. I'm not asking for charity. Of course, I should qualify all of that by saying that if any of those things were to happen, I would not only consider myself cosmically lucky, but eternally grateful and thankful. I wouldn't refuse such things; I may not be greedy, but I'm also not a fool.

However, there will be a great satisfaction gained from the ability to make this happen as a result of hard work and great personal effort. I can't imagine a greater joy than taking my first steps in Tokyo knowing that I earned my presence there.

The Man Who IS Otaku

2009-10-26T10:02:00.003-05:00

Picked up this AWESOME book yesterday: The Otaku Encyclopedia, by Patrick W. Galbraith. I was paging through it last night and was stunned at how much I already knew and how much more I didn't. I've always considered myself an otaku (which translates as nerd, geek, or fanboy), but I think I have some catching up to do, as there's a lot more in terms of otaku culture out there that I've barely scratched the surface on. This book should be a very interesting read.

By the way, if you want a really easy way to annoy the ever-loving HELL out of me, make the claim that I only want to go to Japan for the otaku stuff. I'm sorry, but those who believe that is all there is to Japan are truly clueless. Yes, the anime/manga/J-pop/J-idol fandom there is a big part of Japanese culture, but is not by a long shot what made me fall in love with the country. All one needs to do is study the country's history pre-20th Century to become fascinated and captivated. So much of that history still exists in Japan, if you know where to look, and believe me; I do. Don't get me wrong; I do intend to spend a lot of time in Akiba (short for Akihabara, the center for Otaku culture in Japan), but I'll be much more captivated by Himeji-jo or the streets of Gion in Kyoto as I hope for a glimpse of a genuine Maiko.

Mata ne!

Long time, no blog. Get ready for a rant.

2009-10-25T23:18:00.005-05:00

I can't believe I've let this page lay fallow for so long. Sadly, I'd forgotten about it. Sometimes you have to put your dreams aside when harsh reality requires the spotlight. Honestly, I thought about just shutting this blog down at first. I mean, let's face it: this is a nice dream, but more than likely, that's all it's going to be. I'll very likely never get to Japan, even for a few days, which at this point, I'd gladly settle for rather than never. But with my financial situation in the dumper, the most exposure to Japanese culture I can hope for in the near future is a road trip to Mitsuwa Marketplace in Chicago.

Ugh, I hate feeling this way. I'll say one thing for an unrequited dream: when you're in the mood to indulge in it, there's no better feeling. You're always one step away from its realization.

It's not just the Japan thing, though. There's a lot more to how I feel right now. Biggest among them: I feel unappreciated at work. I, along with the other people in our department bust our asses every day, putting up with some of the most frustrating people that ever put their hands on a keyboard and mouse. We're constantly under the watchful eyes of our manager and his managers to keep our cool, fix the customer's problems, and go through the proper channels when we can't. But, in the past six months or so, I've felt like we've become the scapegoats. We're the collective target of blame for every mishandled matter, even if we weren't the direct cause of the mishandling. We're easy to blame, and I'm assuming the rationale involved is that we're not the direct source of revenue. Never mind that our work directly correlates with the decision by a customer to either continue using our services or go elsewhere. If we give them good service, they stick with us and pay money to renew every year, thereby bringing revenue into the company's coffers. See how it works?

I made the foolish decision to skip taking my anxiety/depression meds these past two days because I'm running low, and I want to wait to refill my prescription. As a result, my mood has been riding a roller coaster these past few hours, and right now I'm at the biggest drop. It's bad enough that I take so much personally and let things, even if they're small, affect me deeply, but compound that with not taking my meds, and hooooooo boy. All my dislikes about myself and my life are coming at me full force, and there's nothing I can do to talk myself back from it.

Therefore, I'm going to do the smart thing and go to sleep. I'm going to rest my head on the pillow and think about the trip to Tokyo...landing at Narita, taking the shuttle to the hotel, probably the Shinagawa Prince....taking the train to Akihabara...visiting Senso-ji....

Sounds like sweet dreams are in store for me.

Oyasumi nasai.

This dream never dies...it just slips in and out of a coma

2008-07-17T13:07:00.003-05:00

Been a REALLY long time since I've had anything to say here. Then again, I've never been good with keeping up on blogs. I can't help but feel that my diatribes on how much I want to go to Japan are of no use to anyone, save for those who love sob stories about people dreaming beyond their means. ;-)

I continue to hold onto the hope and dream that I will make it to Japan. I refuse to see it as completely impossible. Someday, somehow, the opportunity will present itself, and nothing will stand in my way. I don't care what I have to do (within reason); I will make this happen for me.

Is it a stupid dream?

2008-03-03T11:27:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I wonder if fate is consipiring against me to ensure my dream of visiting Japan never happens.

I've been trying to find ways to make my dream come true in the most inexpensive ways possible. I've looked into special package deals and I've even checked out language study in Tokyo (which is offered by an organization out of Milwaukee). I have yet to find anything that's monetarily feasible. The package deals are fine, but they have limitations that don't work for us, such as having to travel within a certain time period and flying in a certain class. Let me clarify on the latter: if we're going to spend 19 hours on an airplane, we are going to fly either business-class or first-class. That's a big part of the cost, I understand, but there's no way I'm spending 19 hours in Coach squeezed into the middle of an aisle while blood clots slowly form in my legs due to inability to move freely around the cabin. Two, three, even four hours? Yeah, I can handle Coach for that. 19? Nope, don't think so. I'd rather fork over the extra bit of cash to fly in comfort for such a special occasion.

The language study is a great opportunity, but flight and lodging aren't included in the cost. The class is a 4-week course, which I don't have enough vacation time for, and it costs $973, not including various fees. Then, add in the flight and lodging costs, and I'm right back where I started. And where would I stay? In someone's house? How awkward is that? I'm shy around people I don't know to begin with, but throw in a language barrier, and I might as well be an alien landing in the middle of a military installation...that's how out-of-place I'll feel.

I hate this frame of mind; I really do. It's despair, despondence, hopelessness. There's more than a little impatience in there, too, but I don't think I should be faulted for that. How long should I have to wait to make a dream come true? A year? Five years? Ten? Life is unpredictable; I know I'm going to hate myself if I say "I'll wait five years", and then sometime during that span, something catastrophic happens that could never have been planned for. I just feel that if I wait too long, I'll lose my shot. Something will happen. I'm almost 34 years old (my birthday is March 20); my health is reasonably good despite my obesity problems (which are relatively minor while regulated with meds), but how long will that last? What if something happens at my workplace and I lose my job? I don't want to wait for the right time, only to have that time never come because I didn't make it sooner.

And, why oh why does it have to cost so damn much? People are traveling all the time; jetting off to here or there seems to be so simple for other people, and not just the wealthy and well-to-do. The average Tom, Dick, and Harriet seem to be able to drop what they're doing and go where they want to go. How are they affording it? Mind you, I'm sure they're not traveling to places like Japan, which is infamous for being an expensive travel destination, but still, people are making it happen. How are THEY doing it? And can I hide in their luggage? Just make sure it's a big suitcase with some holes punched in for breathing. I can always crack it open once I'm in the luggage compartment.

A part of me really wants to just give up, because the more I think about it, the more depressed I feel. I look at all the Japanese pictures and items on my work desk, and I love them all, but they all serve as a reminder to me of how foolhardy my dream is.

I don't think I can get anyone to really understand how important this is to me. I only know two people who are seriously trying to understand my need to do this: my wife, and a dear friend of mine from MySpace. My wife doesn't share quite the same level of enthusiasm for this goal as I do. I don't fault her for that; I think she's more firmly rooted in reality, seeing that our financial situation makes such an adventure damn near impossible, while I'm still floating on a cloud of delusion thinking there's got to be some way we can work it out.

But, maybe it is just a pipe dream. Maybe it is just the silly dream of someone who's trying to live beyond his means. I should just give it up and stick to reading about it and learning the language as a hobby; if I let it go, the heartbreak of failure won't be so painful. You can't fail at something you're not trying to accomplish.

Yet...the desire is just too strong, the need too great. And, damn it, I deserve it. I've worked hard since I was 16 years old There have only been three months I did not work from then till now. I took care of my grandmother until she passed away, then my mother until she passed away. I have a good job, a great marriage, and a reasonably clean bill of health. I DESERVE THIS. I'VE EARNED THIS. So, goddamnit, let me have my dream! Throw me a freaking bone!!! Haven't I done enough? What more must I do? Win the lottery? Rob a bank? Fuck that; it's not fair! I want my shot!

*sigh* Sorry, I guess I needed to get that out.

Thanks for reading.

Nobody expects the man who would be gaijin!

2008-02-07T08:53:00.001-06:00

Sugoi sugoi! It's been way too freakin' long since I've posted here. Sadly, there's been very little, if any, progress made in my goal to get to Japan, but the hope and determination for that venture are stronger than ever. Nothing will keep me from my dream. NOTHING.

I do have a story to relate...

Over the previous weekend, I received notification that a Japanese Language and Culture Meet-up group had been formed in the area, made up of Japanese language students and others who appreciated Japan as I do from the area. They were to meet up this past Monday at a cafe on the east side of town. I decided I would attend because I wanted to meet people with the same interest I had.

So, I left directly from work to the east side, anticipating an atrocious traffic situation...glad I did. It was slow-going due to heavy fog. I had time to spare, so I shopped at the nearby Borders bookstore, then I headed toward the cafe. Unfortunately, I had not thought to print out the address of the cafe, so I got completely lost. When I finally found the street I needed to be on, I had to take two runs around just to find the cafe and get a parking space.

When I walked in, there were all of four people there, and two sat at a far table. I noticed Japanese language books on the table; this was obviously the place.

Now, before I continue, you need to know that I am not a social butterfly by any stretch of the imagination. I am very shy around new people, and I'm not the kind of person that feels comfortable approaching strangers and making my presence known. I need to feel like I'm welcome in order to start feeling comfortable around others. So, in a situation like this, I was crippled by a sense of not belonging.

Part of this was attributed to the fact that there was no sign indicating that this was the actual "group" that was scheduled to meet here. Sure, one could ASSUME that it was based on the fact that these two people had Japanese language books on the table, but they could've just been two students working on their Japanese language class homework. Also, when I sat down a table or so away, not announcing my presence or intent but instead choosing to observe for a moment, they looked my way as if someone with two noses had just came in the room. They weren't rude about it; they just seemed as if my presence had disrupted their personal harmony.

The other big problem is that they were speaking almost entirely in Japanese. Now, my Japanese is very poor; to the point where I would not be able to easily understand people, were I to be boarding a flight there today. I'd be praying for english-speakers when I got to Tokyo. Part of the reason why I joined this group was because I thought i'd be able to learn from experts. Instead, I would be expected to already be an expert. This made the whole situation very unattractive to me, so after about 15 minutes where I pretended to read and drink my smoothie, I left, feeling utterly dejected.

Due to construction in the area, I got hopelessly misdirected and ended up going out of my way just to get back home. By the time I did reach home, I was so disillusioned, I told my wife, "someone owes me the last three hours of my life back".

Since I started my Japan "crusade", i've felt terribly isolated. No one around me shares my interest or enthusiasm regarding my goal. They all listen and talk to me as if they would a child speaking about his or her dreams to become ruler of the world. They obviously see my dream as ONLY a dream, something that could never be accomplished, and their lack of enthusiasm infects my spirit like a virus. My hope was that this group I went to meet would be my sanctuary, a mini-society of people that could relate to my feelings toward Japan and share my enthusiasm. That makes the letdown I experienced even more painful.

Pessimism Sneaks In >_<

2007-12-05T08:52:00.000-06:00

It is on days like today, where I'm at work in the aftermath of a snowstorm that stuck us with six more inches, that I wish the hardest to be shopping in Akihabara, eating at a noodle stand in Shinjuku, or riding the shinkansen to Kyoto, taking in the beautiful temples and gardens and hoping to spot a maiko on her way to an occasion.

It makes me sick inside sometimes to think of how far away I am from that goal. Right now, I can't see an occasion that will ever allow me to have the money to get there. Even now, with the revelation of stock from my grandfather held over from decades ago, and an insurance policy my mother had that I didn't think had anything on it, I'm still left without the means. All that money has more important places to be.

I can already hear people now: "Oh, stop whining! Are you even trying to save money? Probably not! And besides, lots of people don't get their dreams fulfilled! There are people starving all over the world! There are people deprived of even basic human rights, and you're bellyaching about not being able to go to Japan! How selfish!!!" Well, to those people, I have two things to say: 1. I would save money if I didn't have the reality of bill payments to deal with. I'd be willing to put aside $50 a paycheck if I could spare it. Yes I know there are people struggling all over the world, but why is it selfish to pursue a dream? And, is it THAT extravagant and unreasonable a goal? The other thing I have to say to those people is: go fuck yourselves.

I'm going to find a station on Radio365 that plays J-pop or maybe traditional Japanese music and immerse myself in all things Nihongo. In my mind, I'm already there.

Long time, no B

2007-11-09T10:22:00.001-06:00

It's been almost a month since I updated my blog, and that's probably going to be the usual thing for the first few months. More often than not, I'm not going to have a whole lot to say, or rather, I'm not going to have anything to say that I feel needs to be retained here. Never fear, however, for I have not forgotten whoever happens to be reading this (which I'm betting is no one, right now).

ANYWAY...

I finally found an indoor bonsai tree! My coworker, Abby, informed me that Stein's Garden and Gifts had some in stock, so I trekked over there on my lunch break Wednesday and found one. According to our research, it's a Baby Jade Bonsai. The poor thing hasn't gotten any kind of water in a long time, so as soon as I put some in a little bath tray for it, it drank it down like a desert nomad finding fresh water at an oasis. It's not exactly the style of bonsai I would've preferred, but it'll do just fine. I hope it lives a long and healthy life under my care, which will be next to a miracle, since plants usually don't do well around me.

I'm still completely invested in my Japan goal. I just wish I had the money to invest in it as well. *sigh*

More later.

All's quiet....and boooooooring

2007-10-12T10:07:00.001-05:00

I haven't posted in the past few days because, quite frankly, there's been nothing to write about. Things have been fairly stagnant for me. The only activity worthy of ranting and raving about is a check-up with my gastroenterologist that convinced me that at least one Nazi escaped prosecution in the aftermath of World War II and found his way to Milwaukee.

Of course, my dreams of going to Japan remain solid and focused, and I still fully intend to get there, no matter what.

I'm trying to figure out how I can give this blog more exposure. If no one's going to read this stuff, I see little need to post it other than as a way to off-load all the thoughts that are in my head at any given time.

More later.

Halloween Idea

2007-10-04T12:53:00.001-05:00

Halloween is fast approaching, and I would like to find a decent samurai costume. However, the ones available through most costuming websites are just GOD-AWFUL. Folks, trust me, if at all possible, construct your own costumes. The crap these companies sell are a complete and utter rip-off, and they are the most sinfully ugly outfits I've ever seen.

The problem for me is that I'm plus-size, and if you think the costumes for regular sizes are bad, you should see the crap they sell for plusses. They're hideous, and they're maybe one size above regular, which doesn't make them really plus-sized at all.

A samurai costume is more than just throwing on a robe, slipping some swords under the sash, and walking around in socks and sandals. For me, it has to look like at least SOME thought was put into it. And, while I don't want to spend a fortune on something I won't wear more than once a year, for maybe one year, I'm willing to spend a little extra to obtain some degree of authenticity.

Oh, well...I'll see what I can dig up. I'll keep you informed.

Shine bakayaro!

2007-10-03T15:39:00.001-05:00

In case you're wondering what that means, it translates from Japanese to "Shut up, you idiot", which is exactly what I've felt like saying to many people in the past few days.
Can someone explain to me what it is about people where they just become completely helpless and would rather let someone else do something than do it themselves? No one wants to do their jobs anymore, or at least, do them RIGHT. Yet, they'll be among the first to raise hell should something be wrong in their eyes. That kind of double standard infuriates me.
Today has been particularly frustrating. The calls at work have been out of control. There haven't been many days we weren't short at least one rep, and some days we're short 2 or more. It stands to reason, of course, that on those days, we're more swamped than usual because we don't have the coverage we need. These days, like today, raise my stressed-out-o-meter to the danger zone.

Folks, there are two things that you all need to re-learn, and those things are: PATIENCE and COMMON SENSE. Let's have a holiday from freaking out when you're forced to wait a whole 2 minutes for help, okay? When someone (like me) is here to diagnose your technical problem, make sure to be at the computer you need help with and have at least minimal recollection of the problem, or else I can't help you. Savvy? None of this is ballbusting, rocket-scientist stuff here. These are things we should just KNOW.

I have to master the art of patience while trying to raise funds for my Japan journey. If I don't, I'll give up or just get so frustrated I won't want to go anymore, and that's the last thing I want to have happen. And, it's not easy. I'm not the most patient man on the planet, and I've had my share of missed connections with common sense. But, I keep trying, and because of that, I will continue to improve.

Well, back to work, I guess. I still have a few clumps of hair I haven't pulled out of my scalp yet.

It doesn't hurt to have hope...most of the time.

2007-09-27T09:03:00.000-05:00

Today, my lovely wife Heather is coming in to the office I work in for a second interview. A webmaster position opened up, and she was considered first after applying for another job with our company a few months ago. She was in the running until the very end, when they went with someone else. Now, it seems my company's giving her a second chance.

I firmly believe my wife is more than qualified for any job within this company. She's smart, she's talented, she's got a good eye for aesthetic quality as well as functionality, and she works well with customers. I think this position she's interviewing for would be a perfect fit for her skills.

The problem is, my company has this problem with making the right choices. I know I'm terribly biased in this situation, but I maintain that Heather deserved to get the job she interviewed for previously. And she was close...REALLY close...to getting it. Yet, at the last minute, they pulled the rug out from under her. It devastated her. For days she was deeply depressed, doubting her skills and her abilities. Her friends and I were very concerned. I can't blame her for feeling as badly as she did; I would too. They lifted her hopes, only to let them fall and shatter on the cold, hard ground below. For those reasons, I've told her not to get too excited about this current opportunity. I don't trust my company to make the right decision in hiring her, and I don't want her to feel let down again.

It's a shame, too. I want to be excited for her and for this opportunity. She'd be perfect for it. But, I feel like I can't, because I don't want to jinx it. To her credit, she's looking at it much the same way I am, but I believe that deep down, she still really wants this job and will still be hurt if she doesn't get it.

I hope very much that my gut feelings are wrong, and that soon, I'll be able to happily and proudly announce that my wife has a new job. Nothing would give me greater joy.

Like the title says, it doesn't hurt to have hope...right?

The man with the plan...and the reasons why

2007-09-26T13:53:00.000-05:00

Normally I wouldn't feel the need to create a blog. After all, my life is pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Does the internet need yet another blogger who thinks his insights will open people's eyes and minds? Of course not. But, I felt compelled to create one anyway because I feel my endeavor has merit, and it gives me a little extra nudge to see it through. If it's something I keep to myself, it's easy to just let it fade into nothingness. If others are aware of it, at least someone might say, "Hey, whatever happened to your plans to go to Japan?"

So...why Japan? Well, to put it simply, I owe it all to Richard Chamberlain and Toshiro Mifune.

Curious yet? Let me explain.

In the early 80's, a television miniseries of James Clavell's novel SHOGUN was aired on NBC. It starred Richard Chamberlain as John Blackthorne, the pilot of a dutch ship that runs aground off the coast of Japan in the 1600's. He becomes an important figure in a power play for the rule of all Japan, spearheaded by Yoshi Toranaga, played by the legendary Toshiro Mifune. Also, Blackthorne befriends and falls in love with Toranaga's translator, a beautiful young woman named Mariko, who must defend her growing love for Blackthorne against the traditions that fight to keep her away. If you want to know more, rent or buy the DVD set. It's worth checking out.

Anyway, when I watched it with my mother, I was spellbound. The language, the clothes, the traditions, the landscapes...it was all breathtaking, and once it was all over, I had to know more. I started reading books on Japan and listening to music from the country. Later on, I tried to tackle the language, and didn't have much luck with it at first, but now I'm finding myself much more adept at it, though I still have much to learn.

No other country on Earth has appealed to me as greatly as Japan. If you were to approach my workspace at my office, you'd think it had been surgically removed from a Japanese travel agency. Pictures, postcards, and even a collectible plate of a Japanese courtesan, or Oiran, decorate my desk. Wallpapers of Japanese castles and other scenery regularly circulate on my PC's desktop.

But, I need to make it clear that this not about an obsessed Japanophile or otaku wanting to visit the absolutely best place to get the latest anime and manga. It's much more than that.

Japan is a country that has gone through so much change in the last 500 years. As it has evolved, it has retained a strong hold on its traditions while changing with time's demands. It is still a technological superpower, and a powerful force in the international business world. Walk the streets of Tokyo and you'll be in the middle of a city constantly on the go, controlled by the conveniences of the modern world. In contrast, one can walk through a garden in Kyoto, and be transported to a time where samurai defended the land and courtesans wooed patrons in the pleasure quarters. It's so much more than the country of teenage swimsuit models, maid cafes, and J-pop.

I am sure many countries can bring you similar experiences, but Japan is the place I choose to experience them.

My plan is to begin saving at least $20 out of every paycheck. I'd like to start at $50, but I want to be modest about it since my financial obligations take precedence. Over time, this money will be stored in such a manner that I cannot access until all of the money needed for the trip has been amassed. I don't want the temptation of pulling from there to fund some minor expense. Once I am able to put more in the fund, I will begin doing so. Every paycheck, for as long as is necessary, I will store a sum of money, until there is enough for my wife and I to fly to and from Japan, stay there at least a week in a reasonably nice hotel or ryokan, eat, see the sights and do a little shopping.

Right now, it's looking like that sum of money will be pretty high. According to Orbitz, the travel site I just picked from memory, the price for a flight and a week's hotel stay in Japan, STARTS at $1530 per person. Mind you, that doesn't even account for incidental costs during the trip, such as bus/train travel, food, shopping, or sightseeing. I think I found a deal on Priceline.com for about $100 less, but still, you get the idea...it's a pretty damn pricy journey.

That's why I'm fully expecting that I will not reach Japan until mid-to-late 2009, unless we experience a cash windfall, which I SERIOUSLY doubt.

I am hoping that somewhere along the way, people will be able to point me to deals that could get my wife and I there and back with much less financial drainage and minimal discomfort. In other words, while I'm willing to fly and sleep on the cheap, I'd rather not be flying in on a prop plane and sleeping in a capsule hotel with the other salarymen. I want this to be an enjoyable and memorable experience for both of us.

Well, that's enough for now. I'll have plenty of time to talk about this more as the weeks and months roll on.

Ikimasu!!!

And So We Begin...

2007-09-26T09:30:00.001-05:00

Yokoso! (that means "Welcome" in Japanese)

This blog will have many purposes, chiefly among those being my plans for a journey to the beautiful country of Japan. It has been a dream of mine since I was a child, and I've made a decision that before I leave this earth, I WILL get there. This blog will document the steps I've taken to get to that goal, and once I get there, I will detail the events of my journey.

Also, this blog will serve as a general rant-and-rave forum on my everyday life, from the incidental to the consequential. My inner geek will have plenty of opportunities to shine, and I am also sure my darker self will rise to the surface from time to time, but no one is without their imperfections, and there's no logic in trying to hide them.

I hope you'll patiently join me on this journey-before-the-journey, and occasionally show your support.

And so we begin...